The Importance of Friendship

Jessica and I have been friends for quite a few years. Hell, I helped her learn to drive. She threw me a going away party when I moved to San Francisco. We’ve been there for each other during times of stress, and times of celebration. But everything changed last year when we started to talk about body image and our struggles with food (EDNOS on her end, Binge Eating on mine). Suddenly we were tied together in this horrific and beautiful way. 

I’m including some of Jessica’s own words in italics throughout this post.

Yesterday Jessica and I spent the day together, the first time since we moved away from Southern California, and I noticed little moments connected to our new friendship. I felt comfortable trying on a pair of iffy pants while we were shopping together, and was not too embarrassed when they looked horrendous on me. In the past I would have been intimidated around her because I would not imagine that slender Jessica could understand my clothing frustrations, and I would have ignored the sale all together. She, in turn, shared her own history of bad luck with that particular store, and we laughed about our misfortune. We went out for lunch and managed to order almost the perfect amount of food – I’m still so pleased when I manage not to overeat. 

We walked, and walked, and talked about our own struggles with sticking with an exercise plan. Both of us are busty and this makes physical activity a burden at times. Jessica talked about her love of zumba while I raved about walking through San Francisco. 

Jessica:

Normally when I'm staying at someone else's house, I feel horribly awkward and like I can't be myself. In part due to my food issues and my fear that people are going to become aware I have these issues. However, staying with Maile didn't feel awkward at all, and I didn't feel trapped in my mind while trying my hardest to hide my fear of food. 

I knew when I was going to co-start The Imperfect Harmony Objective, and when I revealed my story on our blog, that I wouldn't have to feel as trapped and secretive anymore. I knew it would be a huge release. However, I didn't feel too different after I revealed my story since my husband already knew, and he's pretty much the only person I hang out with since we recently moved and we don't know too many people. 

However, being with Maile yesterday opened my eyes to what a relief coming out of secrecy was. Since it was the first time that I hung out with a friend without the fear of "being caught" in my secret.

Olive Bar at Bristol Farms - Jessica's favorite

We discussed how energized we feel being around quality food. We walked through the specialty food shops of the Ferry Building and Jessica could see why I loved the Fancy Food Show so much. We contemplated sharing a vegan donut, but wound up just walking around and planning our next trip to the Ferry Building. Next up - Cheese tasting!

Jessica:

It felt so freeing, and also I didn't fear food yesterday since we just spent time with good quality foods, exploring the Ferry Building, artisan pizza, and Bristol Farms. Maile and I discussed how being around natural foods like these make your mind, body, and soul feel good and more interconnected. 

Also, I always have the desire to get out of the house and walk around and explore new places, but often due to my issues feel so depressed that I feel I can't move. Getting to hang out with a girlfriend (this hadn't happened in a long time since I've moved), mixed with the nice weather and new things to explore in San Francisco got me energized and moving, and I didn't feel that crippling depression. I look forward to the rest of the time here we have together, and am looking forward to seeing how much we grow in these upcoming three weeks.

I guess what this wordy blog is trying to say is that I am so happy that Jessica and I came forward to one another with our issues. We’re both struggling and scared and ashamed, but together we are stronger. Our experiences yesterday were made brighter because we could openly discuss what normally stays hidden. We are so grateful for one another and for you all for embracing us and allowing us to share our journey with you.

-Mahalo

Guilt Free Burger Night

The other night, I went out for burgers with my boyfriend. This isn’t a common occurrence, but in the years that we’ve been together it’s happened more than a handful of times. And in the past, it has been one of two scenarios.

1. I go for burger night with a vengeance. I order my burger (well, veggie burger) with whatever crazy toppings I can image. I order a side of fries, often covered with cheese. I order a shake, and maybe a soda as well. I do burger night like a pigtailed teen from the 1950’s.
2. I decline burger night. I get a salad or a smoothie and sit across from my boyfriend as he eats his burger and fries. I insist that I’m fine, and I do love salads and smoothies, but a part of me feels left out.

The other night, neither of these occurred. I ordered a burger that looked good (teriyaki, pineapple, cheese), and a side salad instead of fries. No shake.

I cannot express how much happier this made me than either of my previous scenarios. The salad was delicious and refreshing with a light sesame dressing. I was able to steal a few of Leonard’s fries, and not one of them satisfied me the way that salad did. The toppings on the burger were perfect, and the salad complimented them so well. 

And at the end of the meal, I didn’t have the desire to waddle away like I would with scenario one, or the feeling that I missed out, like I would with option two. Instead I felt well fed, happy, and ready to walk around the mall and shop. 

I didn’t over eat. I didn’t under eat. I just ate. 

For many people this moment is not a revelation. It just happens, you grow up and eat less, and you make it work. But this balance, this ability to enjoy food without guilt, it’s kind of new for me. 

I’m going to hold onto that evening for a long time, use it to remind myself that I can do this. That for me, for Maile, the struggle is about balance. 

When I made the decision to publicly discuss my process, it didn’t occur to me how many little moments would become significant. Thank you for reading and accepting me, food issues and all.

-Mahalo

Drinking

I’ll never drink again.

How many of us have said those words? 

I know that I have. Time and time again. Only unlike many people my alcohol induced remorse doesn’t involve drunk dialing an ex or spending the evening in the company of a stranger. I find comfort with the dangerous siren of my kitchen, of fast food, of midnight snacks that upset my belly more than the tequila, wine, or rum.

My mother explained this to me when I was younger. I asked about drinking, and why it was so bad and she told me how alcohol lowers our inhibitions. Perhaps because I was too young to understand the concept of a one night stand, she used dieting as an example. During the week someone may diligently stick to their diet, then a few screwdrivers later and BAM they’re chasing a hamburger with an ice cream sundae. 

My guilty pleasure is often Mexican food. The other night it was a midnight quesadilla. A shame that I feel compelled to share with you all as a part of my healing process. As an attempt to tell other drunk eaters that you’re not alone. 

That’s why Jessica and I are here, to show people that they’re not alone. 

We are not alone.

I’m sure that I’ll drink again. I’m a social drinker who lives in a town of public transportation. My hangovers are minimal and I enjoy the occasional cocktail. But if I can’t move away from drunk eating, then I will have to reevaluate that decision.

-Mahalo

Coping with Stress

When something goes wrong in life, my first instinct is to eat. Some people crave booze, others just want to shop; I desire junk food.

This is one of the habits that I need to work harder to rectify. One aspect of my coping method that needs improvement. 

I’m very sensitive. Small things hit me hard. And every time my internal reaction is the same. Food will make this better. Pizza or ice cream or, whatever. This becomes difficult when the problem is directly related to how I look. When my jeans are too tight or people make insensitive comments, I want to find comfort in food. It’s a vicious cycle that I’m sure some of you know well. 

One thing that I hope to accomplish this year is to take that nervous frustrated energy and turn it toward exercise. So that one day when I’m upset over a poor grade or not getting a job, my reaction will be to go for a walk, rather than to order pizza.

I did all right today. I took a walk to the mall to run some errands, and looked into a gym membership. The gym at our mall is not ideal, but it’s amazingly close and has elliptical machines and what else do I really need? 

I miss the elliptical machine. 

I stress myself out on a regular basis. I take on too much and when one thing goes a little bit wrong I panic. If I can use that panic as motivation and turn my unhealthy emotions into a positive change for my health, well, I see that as a win. 

And for those of you on the other side of the spectrum, who exercise more often than not, may I recommend stress writing? It’s saved my sanity on countless occasions. 

-Mahalo

Maile's Story

I’ve been overweight for over two thirds of my life. 

In elementary school kids teased me not only because I was overweight, but also because my mother was overweight. Those horrible “yo mama is so fat” jokes that everyone thinks are so hilarious? Those were my life. I hate those jokes. On the playground kids liked to inform me that Jenny Craig was offering deals, lose weight for $1 a pound. But, cackling with glee, they told me that I’d never be able to afford the program. I was fifteen pounds overweight at the time. Maybe. 

Being plus size, my body issue images are very complex. I look in the mirror and see a girl who needs to lose weight. The scale agrees. Medical books agree. For me it’s not about loving my image, it’s about loving my body enough to get healthy. Girl in the mirror or no girl in the mirror. 

Growing up overweight, I learned to hate myself. I’ve been dieting on and off since the age of 10. I lived on fat free products while my peers were eating wholesome all American food. They would condescendingly ask how my fat free cream cheese was, while they enjoyed their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Meanwhile, I felt like I was ballooning in front of them, like Violet Beauregarde of Willy Wonka fame. 

When my peers started to date, I withdrew. I thought that I was pretty, but it didn’t matter. I was sure that no one would want to be seen with me. I believed that fat girls didn’t date. I withdrew deeper into myself. 

Here’s the part that’s hard to admit, the part that borders on cliché. I found comfort in food. I developed a habit for binge eating. I would eat, and eat, until the eating was a compulsion. I hid my eating, locked it away. Around people my eating habits were, are, fairly normal. I match what they eat. Try not to look out of place. Try not to look like the fat girl who loves food too much. 

We’re given such mixed messages. Magazines tell us that boys want a girl who’s not afraid to eat, but they want a girl who looks like she never does. TV characters like Liz Lemon from 30 Rock and Lorelei Gilmore from Gilmore Girls have horrendous eating habits, but it’s okay because they’re played by the beautiful and skinny Tina Fey and Lauren Graham. If the same role was played by a plus size actress, she’d be a slob. A pig. A glutton. But the skinny girls who eat? They’re endearing.

I try to monitor my eating. This results in more diets, which inevitably fail because diets are designed to fail. I don’t need a diet – I need a lifestyle change. 

That’s where you all come in. If I had one word to describe how I feel about all of this; about my body and my relationship with food, the word would be shame. I’m ashamed of how much I hate how I look. I’m ashamed of how I look. I’m ashamed of how I eat in secret, the food that eat when I’m no longer hungry. I’m ashamed of what this post reveals me to be, a fat girl who eats too much. I’m ashamed because I feel that my story isn’t worthy of sharing. 

So I’m taking shame out of the equation. I’m living a life that I am comfortable sharing with you all. I’m coming to terms with my past issues, as painful as this is. I’m realizing how many of my own issues stem from being overweight at a young age. 

My story is twofold. I will talk about what it’s like to be plus size and coming to terms with the fact that weight loss or not, I probably always will be. The other is my relationship with food. How can I stop binge eating? How can I find a balance between crash diets and eating everything in front of me?

-Mahalo