The Importance of Friendship

Jessica and I have been friends for quite a few years. Hell, I helped her learn to drive. She threw me a going away party when I moved to San Francisco. We’ve been there for each other during times of stress, and times of celebration. But everything changed last year when we started to talk about body image and our struggles with food (EDNOS on her end, Binge Eating on mine). Suddenly we were tied together in this horrific and beautiful way. 

I’m including some of Jessica’s own words in italics throughout this post.

Yesterday Jessica and I spent the day together, the first time since we moved away from Southern California, and I noticed little moments connected to our new friendship. I felt comfortable trying on a pair of iffy pants while we were shopping together, and was not too embarrassed when they looked horrendous on me. In the past I would have been intimidated around her because I would not imagine that slender Jessica could understand my clothing frustrations, and I would have ignored the sale all together. She, in turn, shared her own history of bad luck with that particular store, and we laughed about our misfortune. We went out for lunch and managed to order almost the perfect amount of food – I’m still so pleased when I manage not to overeat. 

We walked, and walked, and talked about our own struggles with sticking with an exercise plan. Both of us are busty and this makes physical activity a burden at times. Jessica talked about her love of zumba while I raved about walking through San Francisco. 

Jessica:

Normally when I'm staying at someone else's house, I feel horribly awkward and like I can't be myself. In part due to my food issues and my fear that people are going to become aware I have these issues. However, staying with Maile didn't feel awkward at all, and I didn't feel trapped in my mind while trying my hardest to hide my fear of food. 

I knew when I was going to co-start The Imperfect Harmony Objective, and when I revealed my story on our blog, that I wouldn't have to feel as trapped and secretive anymore. I knew it would be a huge release. However, I didn't feel too different after I revealed my story since my husband already knew, and he's pretty much the only person I hang out with since we recently moved and we don't know too many people. 

However, being with Maile yesterday opened my eyes to what a relief coming out of secrecy was. Since it was the first time that I hung out with a friend without the fear of "being caught" in my secret.

Olive Bar at Bristol Farms - Jessica's favorite

We discussed how energized we feel being around quality food. We walked through the specialty food shops of the Ferry Building and Jessica could see why I loved the Fancy Food Show so much. We contemplated sharing a vegan donut, but wound up just walking around and planning our next trip to the Ferry Building. Next up - Cheese tasting!

Jessica:

It felt so freeing, and also I didn't fear food yesterday since we just spent time with good quality foods, exploring the Ferry Building, artisan pizza, and Bristol Farms. Maile and I discussed how being around natural foods like these make your mind, body, and soul feel good and more interconnected. 

Also, I always have the desire to get out of the house and walk around and explore new places, but often due to my issues feel so depressed that I feel I can't move. Getting to hang out with a girlfriend (this hadn't happened in a long time since I've moved), mixed with the nice weather and new things to explore in San Francisco got me energized and moving, and I didn't feel that crippling depression. I look forward to the rest of the time here we have together, and am looking forward to seeing how much we grow in these upcoming three weeks.

I guess what this wordy blog is trying to say is that I am so happy that Jessica and I came forward to one another with our issues. We’re both struggling and scared and ashamed, but together we are stronger. Our experiences yesterday were made brighter because we could openly discuss what normally stays hidden. We are so grateful for one another and for you all for embracing us and allowing us to share our journey with you.

-Mahalo

Guilt Free Burger Night

The other night, I went out for burgers with my boyfriend. This isn’t a common occurrence, but in the years that we’ve been together it’s happened more than a handful of times. And in the past, it has been one of two scenarios.

1. I go for burger night with a vengeance. I order my burger (well, veggie burger) with whatever crazy toppings I can image. I order a side of fries, often covered with cheese. I order a shake, and maybe a soda as well. I do burger night like a pigtailed teen from the 1950’s.
2. I decline burger night. I get a salad or a smoothie and sit across from my boyfriend as he eats his burger and fries. I insist that I’m fine, and I do love salads and smoothies, but a part of me feels left out.

The other night, neither of these occurred. I ordered a burger that looked good (teriyaki, pineapple, cheese), and a side salad instead of fries. No shake.

I cannot express how much happier this made me than either of my previous scenarios. The salad was delicious and refreshing with a light sesame dressing. I was able to steal a few of Leonard’s fries, and not one of them satisfied me the way that salad did. The toppings on the burger were perfect, and the salad complimented them so well. 

And at the end of the meal, I didn’t have the desire to waddle away like I would with scenario one, or the feeling that I missed out, like I would with option two. Instead I felt well fed, happy, and ready to walk around the mall and shop. 

I didn’t over eat. I didn’t under eat. I just ate. 

For many people this moment is not a revelation. It just happens, you grow up and eat less, and you make it work. But this balance, this ability to enjoy food without guilt, it’s kind of new for me. 

I’m going to hold onto that evening for a long time, use it to remind myself that I can do this. That for me, for Maile, the struggle is about balance. 

When I made the decision to publicly discuss my process, it didn’t occur to me how many little moments would become significant. Thank you for reading and accepting me, food issues and all.

-Mahalo

Fancy Food Show

Yesterday was the first day of the Fancy Food Show. 

I love the Fancy Food Show. This is my second year working the event and I was beyond thrilled to be given the opportunity to return. I cannot wait to share some of the products that I’ve discovered with you all and introduce new staples into my life.

More importantly the show reaffirms my belief in what Jessica and I are working to accomplish with The Imperfect Harmony Objective. As I’ve stated, I do not have the best relationship with food. This is something that I need to rectify. I want to create a good relationship with quality food. I don’t know that there’s another resource such as this out there for a woman like me, someone who is plus size and wants to continue eating – I just need to eliminate the junk. 

I’m also so excited to share my love of food with Jessica, whose struggles are on the opposite side of the spectrum. I want to introduce her to items that she can enjoy without that overwhelming sense of guilt.

She eats too little, I eat too much, but we both feel guilty when we eat. She lets the guilt stop her; I eat more to spite the guilt. Neither is healthy.

I hate sounding like the cliché, the plus sized girl who loves food, but I want to take the shame out of that. It’s okay to love good products. It’s okay to get excited for a new condiment (I found two new favorites) or jump up and down for agave ice cream or natural soda or basil pesto or black truffle sauce. (Is your mouth watering yet?)

We can be both, my friends. We can be healthy, and we can be foodies. The food industry wants this. Hell, most of the people that I’ve worked with in the food industry have been among the healthiest people I know. They look for products that are made well with quality ingredients. I encourage us all to do the same.

And now, day two!

-Mahalo

Food Memories

Yesterday I purchased a heart.
 

A dark chocolate treat that had been recommended to me for months now. A marzipan heart. 

Marzipan, I was warned, is a hit or miss flavor. Some love it, some loathe it, but either way, I had to try it. Having previously enjoyed marzipan, I agreed. 

One bite and I was transported to 2005. I worked for a tea house and we kept petit fours, made with marzipan, in the walk in fridge. Every day I would sneak in fridge, looking for just one that was too damaged to serve to the public. A petit four where the flower fell off or it was slightly crushed. I’d snag the damaged petit four, because there was always one, and share it with my cohorts. We were all friends who worked together. My boss, who enjoyed the damaged petit fours as much as the rest of us. My best friend, who still shares whatever she has with me. We were all in on it together, and those petit fours represented more than a sweet and delicious snack. They represented the hours we all sat laughing and enjoying tea together. They represented a connection between women who at that moment in history needed one another. 

It’s funny how many memories can be connected to tastes and smells. How an unexpected bite can bring it all back, like a time machine for our senses. 

This is what makes food difficult for so many of us. Sometimes it’s wonderful. Certain dishes remind me of family, remind me of friends, remind me of occasions long past. And sometimes, when you take an unexpected bite of something, like I did with that marzipan heart, the memories are priceless. 

I want more of those hearts, but I understand it won’t be the same. The memory is never as strong when you try to recreate it. The fifth heart will never taste as good as the first. 

What tastes or smells remind you of happy memories? 

-Mahalo