A Picture is Worth A Thousand Laughs

The other evening Jessica and I were scrolling through pictures of us together and found a picture that made us both cry out in disgust. We immediately saw our own flaws and hated how we were perceived in this picture. I saw an overweight girl, a woman stocky rather than curvy. I saw a butterball. Jessica saw something akin to a mouse or a weasel. She also referred to herself as Mr. Potato Head - I don’t quite understand what she meant. Neither of us could fully express how we felt about this picture. We used grunting sounds and contorted faces to express our horror. 

Then we looked away from the picture and looked toward one another and started to crack up in fits of laughter. The noises coming out of our mouths and our aghast expressions far outweighed the girls in the picture. Now we were real girls, sitting in my living room in 2013, laughing at how much we hated this image from 2008. The memory that we made the other night overshadows the picture. Now this picture that once horrified us is connected with a happy moment.

Jessica and I may never love our physical appearance in that picture. I still feel round, and she still feels rodent like. But we know that we are more than that image, and that overall we looked fabulous that day in 2008 (and even if we didn’t, we felt fabulous that day, and that’s what we remember). But none of that matters. This picture represents out friendship, and the freedom that we feel in expressing our flaws. 

I’ve never laughed more while writing than I have while writing this blog entry. Five minutes later, I have read this blog out loud to Jessica, and could not speak the words through all the laughter. We are crying hysterical tears of joy. This picture is now iconic for our friendship. 

I encourage you all to look through old pictures with trusted friends and find humor in your flaws. If you can have even one moment like Jessica and I shared, I assure you – it’s worth it. 

And now, the picture:

All my boyfriend notices are our boobs.

The Importance of Friendship

Jessica and I have been friends for quite a few years. Hell, I helped her learn to drive. She threw me a going away party when I moved to San Francisco. We’ve been there for each other during times of stress, and times of celebration. But everything changed last year when we started to talk about body image and our struggles with food (EDNOS on her end, Binge Eating on mine). Suddenly we were tied together in this horrific and beautiful way. 

I’m including some of Jessica’s own words in italics throughout this post.

Yesterday Jessica and I spent the day together, the first time since we moved away from Southern California, and I noticed little moments connected to our new friendship. I felt comfortable trying on a pair of iffy pants while we were shopping together, and was not too embarrassed when they looked horrendous on me. In the past I would have been intimidated around her because I would not imagine that slender Jessica could understand my clothing frustrations, and I would have ignored the sale all together. She, in turn, shared her own history of bad luck with that particular store, and we laughed about our misfortune. We went out for lunch and managed to order almost the perfect amount of food – I’m still so pleased when I manage not to overeat. 

We walked, and walked, and talked about our own struggles with sticking with an exercise plan. Both of us are busty and this makes physical activity a burden at times. Jessica talked about her love of zumba while I raved about walking through San Francisco. 

Jessica:

Normally when I'm staying at someone else's house, I feel horribly awkward and like I can't be myself. In part due to my food issues and my fear that people are going to become aware I have these issues. However, staying with Maile didn't feel awkward at all, and I didn't feel trapped in my mind while trying my hardest to hide my fear of food. 

I knew when I was going to co-start The Imperfect Harmony Objective, and when I revealed my story on our blog, that I wouldn't have to feel as trapped and secretive anymore. I knew it would be a huge release. However, I didn't feel too different after I revealed my story since my husband already knew, and he's pretty much the only person I hang out with since we recently moved and we don't know too many people. 

However, being with Maile yesterday opened my eyes to what a relief coming out of secrecy was. Since it was the first time that I hung out with a friend without the fear of "being caught" in my secret.

Olive Bar at Bristol Farms - Jessica's favorite

We discussed how energized we feel being around quality food. We walked through the specialty food shops of the Ferry Building and Jessica could see why I loved the Fancy Food Show so much. We contemplated sharing a vegan donut, but wound up just walking around and planning our next trip to the Ferry Building. Next up - Cheese tasting!

Jessica:

It felt so freeing, and also I didn't fear food yesterday since we just spent time with good quality foods, exploring the Ferry Building, artisan pizza, and Bristol Farms. Maile and I discussed how being around natural foods like these make your mind, body, and soul feel good and more interconnected. 

Also, I always have the desire to get out of the house and walk around and explore new places, but often due to my issues feel so depressed that I feel I can't move. Getting to hang out with a girlfriend (this hadn't happened in a long time since I've moved), mixed with the nice weather and new things to explore in San Francisco got me energized and moving, and I didn't feel that crippling depression. I look forward to the rest of the time here we have together, and am looking forward to seeing how much we grow in these upcoming three weeks.

I guess what this wordy blog is trying to say is that I am so happy that Jessica and I came forward to one another with our issues. We’re both struggling and scared and ashamed, but together we are stronger. Our experiences yesterday were made brighter because we could openly discuss what normally stays hidden. We are so grateful for one another and for you all for embracing us and allowing us to share our journey with you.

-Mahalo

Guilt Free Burger Night

The other night, I went out for burgers with my boyfriend. This isn’t a common occurrence, but in the years that we’ve been together it’s happened more than a handful of times. And in the past, it has been one of two scenarios.

1. I go for burger night with a vengeance. I order my burger (well, veggie burger) with whatever crazy toppings I can image. I order a side of fries, often covered with cheese. I order a shake, and maybe a soda as well. I do burger night like a pigtailed teen from the 1950’s.
2. I decline burger night. I get a salad or a smoothie and sit across from my boyfriend as he eats his burger and fries. I insist that I’m fine, and I do love salads and smoothies, but a part of me feels left out.

The other night, neither of these occurred. I ordered a burger that looked good (teriyaki, pineapple, cheese), and a side salad instead of fries. No shake.

I cannot express how much happier this made me than either of my previous scenarios. The salad was delicious and refreshing with a light sesame dressing. I was able to steal a few of Leonard’s fries, and not one of them satisfied me the way that salad did. The toppings on the burger were perfect, and the salad complimented them so well. 

And at the end of the meal, I didn’t have the desire to waddle away like I would with scenario one, or the feeling that I missed out, like I would with option two. Instead I felt well fed, happy, and ready to walk around the mall and shop. 

I didn’t over eat. I didn’t under eat. I just ate. 

For many people this moment is not a revelation. It just happens, you grow up and eat less, and you make it work. But this balance, this ability to enjoy food without guilt, it’s kind of new for me. 

I’m going to hold onto that evening for a long time, use it to remind myself that I can do this. That for me, for Maile, the struggle is about balance. 

When I made the decision to publicly discuss my process, it didn’t occur to me how many little moments would become significant. Thank you for reading and accepting me, food issues and all.

-Mahalo

A Vlogger's Story

One of the most touching moments of this video for me is the statement that this woman was afraid to reach out to her friends because they were dealing with their own issues. I know that I feel like that so often. 

You don't need to work through your issues online like this vlogger is doing, or I am attempting to do with this blog, but Jessica and I hope that each of you can feel comfortable sharing with someone in your life. A partner, a family member, a friend, or a counselor. Please don't hold it all in. 

Thank you for your honesty, and for sharing a bit of yourself with us all.

-Mahalo

Not As Easy As We Thought

Earlier this week Jessica and I got into a heated discussion about facebook. Each of us stubbornly held our ground without really listening to one another. As the debate continued, we started to read between the lines and see what we were really upset about. Jessica and I weren’t frustrated with facebook or one another. We were angry at the one person who hurt us the most; ourselves. 

There’s a saying. Please excuse me as I paraphrase, as I’ve heard many versions of this over the years. 

We have a lot of garbage in our past, a lot of junk in our memories that we have buried. Not because we’ve repressed traumatic issues, but simply because throughout our lives we have a lot of experiences. A lot of vaguely painful memories get replaced with happy ones, and we forget about the stupid little unhappy moments. Then, as we begin to work on our issues and address what makes us unhappy, it’s like we’ve turned a fan on in our memories. Suddenly all these ignored unhappy memories are brought to the surface, and BAM! we’re reliving all the painful moments all over again.

For years I haven’t thought about how kids would make fun of me for eating lower fat food at lunch, and now the implication makes me shake my head. Kids could be so damn mean. I look at food and think why did I struggle with you for so long? I realize how guilty I feel when I eat, well, anything. And I wonder, what came first, the food issues or the body image issues? Did I gain weight because I ate too much, or did I eat too much to comfort myself after kids teased me for being overweight? 

I know, I know, chicken or the egg.

This isn’t an easy process. Jessica and I shared ourselves on this blog, a concept that petrified us. I, for one, was expecting finger pointing, mockery and teasing. Under all of my fancy words about self help and confronting my issues, I’m still an eleven year old girl being bullied. 

Do we ever get over being bullied as a child? As an adolescent? Do those pains ever go away?                   

Instead of a mob, Jessica and I were met with a whisper. Quiet comments through private messages, emails, and repostings. The comments were minimal, but supportive. We are both grateful for that, and I will remember the kind words for the rest of my days. 

Our huge declarations changed very little in the grand scheme of things. People continued on their lives, and it would seem that their perception of us altered little. If anyone is laughing at me for struggling with binge eating, they’re not showing themselves. 

I wasn’t angry with Jessica for having a different opinion of facebook anymore than Jessica was angry with me. We were both frustrated with our past selves, and how much their struggles continue to impact the women that we are today.

-Mahalo