Today I’d like to share something a little unique with you.
Jessica bravely offered to share her story, and I foolishly offered to
interview her. What followed was a touching conversation where I managed to
learn even more about my brave friend and continue to be in awe of her courage
and personal journey.
Jessica, about how
long have you suffered from body image issues?
Since I was nine years old.
And in that time,
what issues did you face?
Well, I've been off and on anorexic (physically along with
the mentality), and in between all those times had severely poor body image.
Even when I wasn't physically anorexic, the emotions and the fear of food and
seeing myself in the mirror never went away. Even to this day, although I
haven’t been anorexic for six years, now and again I want to go out of my house
and have fun, but won't because I'm scared to have people look at me. I feel
like I stand out in a bad way. I've also had severe depression & anxiety,
as well as OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder).
You’ve talked with me
before about EDNOS, Eating disorder not otherwise specified; an eating disorder
that does not meet the criteria for anorexia or bulimia while sharing traits
with those disorders. How does this play into your story?
For all the times that I wasn't physically anorexic, but
severely hated myself and felt ashamed of myself when I ate food, I knew that I
needed help. I constantly had thoughts of suicide, for I couldn't bear to hate
my body any longer. However, I was too nervous and embarrassed to tell my
family and friends. I would try to search online for help and the only
resources that I could ever find were websites or crisis hotlines exclusively
for anorexia and/or bulimia. I would try to call the hotlines when I was afraid
I would harm myself, and I felt so alone it was unbearable. It was a VERY last
resort to call a hotline. When I did call, they would listen to me explain that
I need help, but I'm not physically anorexic, and they would always just admit that
they weren't sure where to refer to me since eating disorder treatment clinics
would only accept me if I was anorexic, and they didn't have any local
resources for my issues.
Last year in 2012, I started going to a counselor at a place
called The King’s Highway, who approaches therapy using the spiritual temple
model. After much searching I had finally found counselors whom I loved, and
one of them showed me a video that she saw on nightline. She said that she had
immediately thought of me. She pulled it up on her iPad, and she stood next to
me, with us both in tears. We were so happy to see that my problem that
confused people and had them turn me away finally had a name. I was so happy, I
felt that I wasn't as alone anymore, and that I wasn't the only one with such
horrible inner turmoil when it came to my body image.
Once I discovered the name of it, I was searching that name
all over the internet to try to find resources. But I could hardly find any,
and the few that did exist were expensive, and not at all near where I lived.
Rather than sitting around wishing there was an option for me, I decided to
create a resource in hopes to eliminate the amount of people who feel
depressed, anxious, or suicidal like me because they have nowhere to turn to.
Even something as simple as this website we are creating can bring so much
relief to someone who feels a desperate need for help, even if that help comes
in the form of stumbling across a website, showing that many others understand
that pain, and that there was someone who considered EDNOS serious enough to
have a hub of comfort for those with it.
I apologize if I went a little off topic...
No, this is
important. I know that when I was in high school having online friends helped
me to grow socially and saved my own depression. How do you think a site like
this would have helped you in the past?
I think it would have significantly reduced, if not
eliminated my thoughts of suicide. When I was contemplating suicide, it was
because I felt that I had nowhere to turn to, and couldn't handle holding in
all my feelings and handling all my depression and hopelessness on my own. When
I would call hotlines, and they told me they didn't have anything they knew of
to help, it was like confirmation that yes, I was alone. Also, I think I could
have learned from a younger age relaxation and healthy self-love techniques, I
try to do these regularly, but doing these practices are so foreign to me that
it's difficult to make them a habit. I think it could have had the potential to
nip my issues in the bud.
You talked earlier about not wanting
to leave the house because you feel that people are staring at you. How else
has this disorder impacted your day to day life?
It determines what I eat each day. I often forget that I do
this because it's become such a force of habit, but whenever I pick something
out of my fridge or cupboard, I know the exact serving size, calories, fat
calories, and fat grams. I have it ALL memorized. And when I decide what I want
to eat, I look at the food choices in my fridge, and rather than looking at
what items look appetizing at the moment, I view everything as a number and a
consequence. To determine what I eat, I first view the numbers in my mind from
the nutritional info, and then I think of what my day will entail if I eat that
item.
For example, if I'm eating a big bread item for breakfast I
think, do I want to be able to have something hearty like pasta for dinner?
Because if I have a lot of bread at breakfast that means I have to skip lunch
and eat a salad for dinner. Or I can eat lots of bread, but will have to
workout for an hour and I will tell myself I'm worthless for the rest of the
day in order to be more disciplined the next day. Often times if friends want
to go out and eat or get coffee, I won’t, because I am afraid that I won't be
able to resist getting something I "shouldn't." In general, every
meal I eat may determine my level of self-loathing and depression during the
whole day
I know that for me
the phrase that jumped out is your feeling that you're "worthless" if
you eat. That feeling may be familiar to many of us who struggle with
these issues. How are you working to silence that voice?
Well the primary thing I'm doing is this organization and
website. When I did my undergrad thesis, I did it on the benefits of feminist
therapy (a therapy method that feels one should become the active agent in the
relationship of whatever has made you passive). In my case, my eating disorder
has consumed me and has controlled me, but by taking these steps to overcome
it, I am actively taking control over it rather than the other way around.
Other than this, small everyday things that I do are
frequent small prayers throughout the day, going to coffee shops and reading or
surfing the web (this is one of my favorite things to do), and doing zumba and
yoga. As I mentioned earlier, it's very difficult to make a habit of doing good
things for myself, so I'll go through periods where I do these things more
consistently than others.
Jessica, as I'm sure
you know I'm working on my own testimonial, and frankly, I'm petrified. As a
founder of this organization you could have simply been a figure head and
shared the stories of others. Why did you feel that it was so important to
share your struggles?
To be completely honest, I am actually terrified of this
interview being posted. Only about five people have ever known about these issues
until I went public with it two days ago, so I still feel very uncomfortable with
sharing all this.
However, since I've been dreaming of creating this organization for five
years, and now that it's finally all happening, I know this is what I need to
do. Not only to encourage others to take a step in their healing process by
sharing as well, but so people know that they aren't alone. I realized, if I
went through these painful struggles for most of my life, I would hate if I
kept it silent, and I went through it (and would continue to go through it)
without it making a difference in my life. The pain would have felt like a
waste to me. But I realized, if I share my struggles, they have the potential
to make people not feel alone, and could possibly help heal others. That way,
if the pain I went through could help even one person not feel the same way as
me, then I would go through it all over again, because it wasn't all for naught.
Before we end this
conversation, I wanted to ask if there is any event or moment in particular
that you'd like to share? Any moment, big or small, that you feel is an
important part of your story?
One thing comes to mind-It's a mix between a big and a small
moment. It was a quick and small moment when I realized that I was meant to be
with my husband. Long before he knew that I liked him in that way, I had a
sense in my mind that without a doubt he was my soul mate. Seven months after
that moment was when we started dating, and the first few months we were
together he helped me realize how much of living life I had been missing. I
always thought life was painful and made to just scrape by, he opened my eyes
to how joyful life could be. When you have a poor relationship with food, it
can almost completely shelter you from what is fun and joyful about life.
That's around the time that I met you
as well. In that time I have seen you perform on stage and become more
confident with yourself. If you could tell the girl you were before that moment
anything, what would it be?
To keep holding on for longer, because even though it will be a long wait,
you will meet people who will listen and understand you, and who want to help
you with all their being.
That's beautiful.
Jessica, your story, while heartbreaking, appears to have a happy ending. It
has led you to The Imperfect Harmony Objective and your friendship has
certainly enhanced my life. In closing what would you like to say to our new
readers about The Imperfect Harmony Objective, body image or self esteem?
To not feel discouraged by anything we post, to keep in mind
that no matter what tips, blogs, or encouragements we post, we are still
healing along with you. This is a process that you have to remind yourself to
upkeep.
To keep in mind that whatever methods may have helped
myself, Maile, or anyone else whose story is shared on our website might not be
the right method for your own healing.
To not feel that anyone who is successful is perfect and that
you are somehow the one who got it wrong. I have felt that way many times, and
it has discouraged me significantly from getting help.
To remember that no matter how easy or difficult someone's
journey was, or how speedy or slow someone's recovery is, to stay confident
that your method of healing and people of support are out there.
I couldn’t have said
it better myself.
-Mahalo
