A Picture is Worth A Thousand Laughs

The other evening Jessica and I were scrolling through pictures of us together and found a picture that made us both cry out in disgust. We immediately saw our own flaws and hated how we were perceived in this picture. I saw an overweight girl, a woman stocky rather than curvy. I saw a butterball. Jessica saw something akin to a mouse or a weasel. She also referred to herself as Mr. Potato Head - I don’t quite understand what she meant. Neither of us could fully express how we felt about this picture. We used grunting sounds and contorted faces to express our horror. 

Then we looked away from the picture and looked toward one another and started to crack up in fits of laughter. The noises coming out of our mouths and our aghast expressions far outweighed the girls in the picture. Now we were real girls, sitting in my living room in 2013, laughing at how much we hated this image from 2008. The memory that we made the other night overshadows the picture. Now this picture that once horrified us is connected with a happy moment.

Jessica and I may never love our physical appearance in that picture. I still feel round, and she still feels rodent like. But we know that we are more than that image, and that overall we looked fabulous that day in 2008 (and even if we didn’t, we felt fabulous that day, and that’s what we remember). But none of that matters. This picture represents out friendship, and the freedom that we feel in expressing our flaws. 

I’ve never laughed more while writing than I have while writing this blog entry. Five minutes later, I have read this blog out loud to Jessica, and could not speak the words through all the laughter. We are crying hysterical tears of joy. This picture is now iconic for our friendship. 

I encourage you all to look through old pictures with trusted friends and find humor in your flaws. If you can have even one moment like Jessica and I shared, I assure you – it’s worth it. 

And now, the picture:

All my boyfriend notices are our boobs.

The Importance of Friendship

Jessica and I have been friends for quite a few years. Hell, I helped her learn to drive. She threw me a going away party when I moved to San Francisco. We’ve been there for each other during times of stress, and times of celebration. But everything changed last year when we started to talk about body image and our struggles with food (EDNOS on her end, Binge Eating on mine). Suddenly we were tied together in this horrific and beautiful way. 

I’m including some of Jessica’s own words in italics throughout this post.

Yesterday Jessica and I spent the day together, the first time since we moved away from Southern California, and I noticed little moments connected to our new friendship. I felt comfortable trying on a pair of iffy pants while we were shopping together, and was not too embarrassed when they looked horrendous on me. In the past I would have been intimidated around her because I would not imagine that slender Jessica could understand my clothing frustrations, and I would have ignored the sale all together. She, in turn, shared her own history of bad luck with that particular store, and we laughed about our misfortune. We went out for lunch and managed to order almost the perfect amount of food – I’m still so pleased when I manage not to overeat. 

We walked, and walked, and talked about our own struggles with sticking with an exercise plan. Both of us are busty and this makes physical activity a burden at times. Jessica talked about her love of zumba while I raved about walking through San Francisco. 

Jessica:

Normally when I'm staying at someone else's house, I feel horribly awkward and like I can't be myself. In part due to my food issues and my fear that people are going to become aware I have these issues. However, staying with Maile didn't feel awkward at all, and I didn't feel trapped in my mind while trying my hardest to hide my fear of food. 

I knew when I was going to co-start The Imperfect Harmony Objective, and when I revealed my story on our blog, that I wouldn't have to feel as trapped and secretive anymore. I knew it would be a huge release. However, I didn't feel too different after I revealed my story since my husband already knew, and he's pretty much the only person I hang out with since we recently moved and we don't know too many people. 

However, being with Maile yesterday opened my eyes to what a relief coming out of secrecy was. Since it was the first time that I hung out with a friend without the fear of "being caught" in my secret.

Olive Bar at Bristol Farms - Jessica's favorite

We discussed how energized we feel being around quality food. We walked through the specialty food shops of the Ferry Building and Jessica could see why I loved the Fancy Food Show so much. We contemplated sharing a vegan donut, but wound up just walking around and planning our next trip to the Ferry Building. Next up - Cheese tasting!

Jessica:

It felt so freeing, and also I didn't fear food yesterday since we just spent time with good quality foods, exploring the Ferry Building, artisan pizza, and Bristol Farms. Maile and I discussed how being around natural foods like these make your mind, body, and soul feel good and more interconnected. 

Also, I always have the desire to get out of the house and walk around and explore new places, but often due to my issues feel so depressed that I feel I can't move. Getting to hang out with a girlfriend (this hadn't happened in a long time since I've moved), mixed with the nice weather and new things to explore in San Francisco got me energized and moving, and I didn't feel that crippling depression. I look forward to the rest of the time here we have together, and am looking forward to seeing how much we grow in these upcoming three weeks.

I guess what this wordy blog is trying to say is that I am so happy that Jessica and I came forward to one another with our issues. We’re both struggling and scared and ashamed, but together we are stronger. Our experiences yesterday were made brighter because we could openly discuss what normally stays hidden. We are so grateful for one another and for you all for embracing us and allowing us to share our journey with you.

-Mahalo

Not As Easy As We Thought

Earlier this week Jessica and I got into a heated discussion about facebook. Each of us stubbornly held our ground without really listening to one another. As the debate continued, we started to read between the lines and see what we were really upset about. Jessica and I weren’t frustrated with facebook or one another. We were angry at the one person who hurt us the most; ourselves. 

There’s a saying. Please excuse me as I paraphrase, as I’ve heard many versions of this over the years. 

We have a lot of garbage in our past, a lot of junk in our memories that we have buried. Not because we’ve repressed traumatic issues, but simply because throughout our lives we have a lot of experiences. A lot of vaguely painful memories get replaced with happy ones, and we forget about the stupid little unhappy moments. Then, as we begin to work on our issues and address what makes us unhappy, it’s like we’ve turned a fan on in our memories. Suddenly all these ignored unhappy memories are brought to the surface, and BAM! we’re reliving all the painful moments all over again.

For years I haven’t thought about how kids would make fun of me for eating lower fat food at lunch, and now the implication makes me shake my head. Kids could be so damn mean. I look at food and think why did I struggle with you for so long? I realize how guilty I feel when I eat, well, anything. And I wonder, what came first, the food issues or the body image issues? Did I gain weight because I ate too much, or did I eat too much to comfort myself after kids teased me for being overweight? 

I know, I know, chicken or the egg.

This isn’t an easy process. Jessica and I shared ourselves on this blog, a concept that petrified us. I, for one, was expecting finger pointing, mockery and teasing. Under all of my fancy words about self help and confronting my issues, I’m still an eleven year old girl being bullied. 

Do we ever get over being bullied as a child? As an adolescent? Do those pains ever go away?                   

Instead of a mob, Jessica and I were met with a whisper. Quiet comments through private messages, emails, and repostings. The comments were minimal, but supportive. We are both grateful for that, and I will remember the kind words for the rest of my days. 

Our huge declarations changed very little in the grand scheme of things. People continued on their lives, and it would seem that their perception of us altered little. If anyone is laughing at me for struggling with binge eating, they’re not showing themselves. 

I wasn’t angry with Jessica for having a different opinion of facebook anymore than Jessica was angry with me. We were both frustrated with our past selves, and how much their struggles continue to impact the women that we are today.

-Mahalo

Maile's Story

I’ve been overweight for over two thirds of my life. 

In elementary school kids teased me not only because I was overweight, but also because my mother was overweight. Those horrible “yo mama is so fat” jokes that everyone thinks are so hilarious? Those were my life. I hate those jokes. On the playground kids liked to inform me that Jenny Craig was offering deals, lose weight for $1 a pound. But, cackling with glee, they told me that I’d never be able to afford the program. I was fifteen pounds overweight at the time. Maybe. 

Being plus size, my body issue images are very complex. I look in the mirror and see a girl who needs to lose weight. The scale agrees. Medical books agree. For me it’s not about loving my image, it’s about loving my body enough to get healthy. Girl in the mirror or no girl in the mirror. 

Growing up overweight, I learned to hate myself. I’ve been dieting on and off since the age of 10. I lived on fat free products while my peers were eating wholesome all American food. They would condescendingly ask how my fat free cream cheese was, while they enjoyed their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Meanwhile, I felt like I was ballooning in front of them, like Violet Beauregarde of Willy Wonka fame. 

When my peers started to date, I withdrew. I thought that I was pretty, but it didn’t matter. I was sure that no one would want to be seen with me. I believed that fat girls didn’t date. I withdrew deeper into myself. 

Here’s the part that’s hard to admit, the part that borders on cliché. I found comfort in food. I developed a habit for binge eating. I would eat, and eat, until the eating was a compulsion. I hid my eating, locked it away. Around people my eating habits were, are, fairly normal. I match what they eat. Try not to look out of place. Try not to look like the fat girl who loves food too much. 

We’re given such mixed messages. Magazines tell us that boys want a girl who’s not afraid to eat, but they want a girl who looks like she never does. TV characters like Liz Lemon from 30 Rock and Lorelei Gilmore from Gilmore Girls have horrendous eating habits, but it’s okay because they’re played by the beautiful and skinny Tina Fey and Lauren Graham. If the same role was played by a plus size actress, she’d be a slob. A pig. A glutton. But the skinny girls who eat? They’re endearing.

I try to monitor my eating. This results in more diets, which inevitably fail because diets are designed to fail. I don’t need a diet – I need a lifestyle change. 

That’s where you all come in. If I had one word to describe how I feel about all of this; about my body and my relationship with food, the word would be shame. I’m ashamed of how much I hate how I look. I’m ashamed of how I look. I’m ashamed of how I eat in secret, the food that eat when I’m no longer hungry. I’m ashamed of what this post reveals me to be, a fat girl who eats too much. I’m ashamed because I feel that my story isn’t worthy of sharing. 

So I’m taking shame out of the equation. I’m living a life that I am comfortable sharing with you all. I’m coming to terms with my past issues, as painful as this is. I’m realizing how many of my own issues stem from being overweight at a young age. 

My story is twofold. I will talk about what it’s like to be plus size and coming to terms with the fact that weight loss or not, I probably always will be. The other is my relationship with food. How can I stop binge eating? How can I find a balance between crash diets and eating everything in front of me?

-Mahalo