Not As Easy As We Thought

Earlier this week Jessica and I got into a heated discussion about facebook. Each of us stubbornly held our ground without really listening to one another. As the debate continued, we started to read between the lines and see what we were really upset about. Jessica and I weren’t frustrated with facebook or one another. We were angry at the one person who hurt us the most; ourselves. 

There’s a saying. Please excuse me as I paraphrase, as I’ve heard many versions of this over the years. 

We have a lot of garbage in our past, a lot of junk in our memories that we have buried. Not because we’ve repressed traumatic issues, but simply because throughout our lives we have a lot of experiences. A lot of vaguely painful memories get replaced with happy ones, and we forget about the stupid little unhappy moments. Then, as we begin to work on our issues and address what makes us unhappy, it’s like we’ve turned a fan on in our memories. Suddenly all these ignored unhappy memories are brought to the surface, and BAM! we’re reliving all the painful moments all over again.

For years I haven’t thought about how kids would make fun of me for eating lower fat food at lunch, and now the implication makes me shake my head. Kids could be so damn mean. I look at food and think why did I struggle with you for so long? I realize how guilty I feel when I eat, well, anything. And I wonder, what came first, the food issues or the body image issues? Did I gain weight because I ate too much, or did I eat too much to comfort myself after kids teased me for being overweight? 

I know, I know, chicken or the egg.

This isn’t an easy process. Jessica and I shared ourselves on this blog, a concept that petrified us. I, for one, was expecting finger pointing, mockery and teasing. Under all of my fancy words about self help and confronting my issues, I’m still an eleven year old girl being bullied. 

Do we ever get over being bullied as a child? As an adolescent? Do those pains ever go away?                   

Instead of a mob, Jessica and I were met with a whisper. Quiet comments through private messages, emails, and repostings. The comments were minimal, but supportive. We are both grateful for that, and I will remember the kind words for the rest of my days. 

Our huge declarations changed very little in the grand scheme of things. People continued on their lives, and it would seem that their perception of us altered little. If anyone is laughing at me for struggling with binge eating, they’re not showing themselves. 

I wasn’t angry with Jessica for having a different opinion of facebook anymore than Jessica was angry with me. We were both frustrated with our past selves, and how much their struggles continue to impact the women that we are today.

-Mahalo